his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
