he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
third nipple confirmed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
