You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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