i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He shit in the fireplace
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize