i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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