I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
