Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
