4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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