i already hear my dad disowning me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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