So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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