when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
