i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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