so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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