my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
