i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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