two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
