when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
found the other keg... it's in the tree
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
