hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize