Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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