the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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