Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
