he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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