I must be too annoying 4 u.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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