so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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