thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
