he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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