come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
