I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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