Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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