reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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