last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ketchup is God's man juice
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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