I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
