GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
