So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
