I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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