I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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