Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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