I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Alive.
So much puke
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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