Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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