He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i've created a new STD.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
