Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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