She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
