Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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