Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
