I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
