Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Small penises have feelings too.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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