had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
