She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
