Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
