Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
