Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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