Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
