the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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