i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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