Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
