I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
