Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
