Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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