Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize