I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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