I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
