I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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