handjob tips. give me some.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
