you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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