living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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