I'm eating all of the evidence.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
