I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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