he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
