We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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